I was destined for Fika. I have always liked coffee. I grew up sharing a cup of coffee (a lot of milk with a splash of coffee) with my grandfather while we enjoyed our morning breakfast. Morning coffee is something I need as a parent and something that I have always enjoyed while on vacation.
Right before my first son was born, I had an opportunity to visit Scandinavia. I traveled to Sweden, Norway, Denmark, and Estonia. While in Sweden, I met several wonderful people and learned about Fika. I will not try to dilute this Swedish tradition with my American definition, but for me Fika is about meeting for coffee and talking. Not just talking, but talking about things that matter. That is what Coffee with Ray is. It is a time to meet online or in person to share coffee and real conversation.
Social Bonding
For many cultures, gathering at the local pub or spending time in the plaza creates an environment of sharing. People can share details about their goals, feelings, and struggles. In today’s cultures, many people are expats, at home parents, or just so busy with work that they don’t have time or in some cases the desire to go somewhere and be social. Yet being social is a human need.
In the movie Crash, the opening scene has Don Cheadle’s characters pontificating on what he feels is wrong with society. He states that in any real city, people brush into each other…however in LA, nobody touches. People miss touch so much that they crash into each other just to feel something. This is not a direct quote, it’s just paraphrasing, but it expresses an important theme of that movie and life in general. Most people may see a hundred or a thousand people a day, yet we may sometimes live our lives feeling that we don’t have deep connections with people and that we don’t have conversations that matter.
Parental Diversity
Additionally, as a parent and especially a stay-at-home dad, I have struggled with feelings of isolation. There have been moments at the playground or at the library where the stay-at-home moms have been very non-inclusive of having a man in their space. It doesn’t seem to matter that I am also a parent trying to share an experience with my child.
As a man, I constantly notice people saying and doing things that demonstrate the lack of gender diversity and statements that promote toxic masculinity. Phrases like “man up”, “don’t be a little girl”, and “oh, are you babysitting today?” do not promote gender equality nor do they express any encouragement that men and women can do the same type of jobs and/or should receive equal compensation.
Fika a Social/ Emotional Exercise
The book The How Of Happiness, written by Sonja Lyubomirsky mentions that there are identifiable traits and habits that happy people share. Lyubomirsky has spent most of her career studying human happiness and has pioneered a strategic plan, based on her research, that teaches people how they can improve their overall happiness. One of her research observations is that people around the world, who seem happier, gather on a regular basis. It is a combination of their looking forward to the next scheduled gathering and the idea that they get to talk things out when they gather.
It is not easy for me to open up and share personal feelings and emotions. It is extremely difficult for me to publicly post things for the world to judge. However, it is more important for me to try my best to help as many people as I can who may be struggling with feelings of isolation, anxiety, fear, or overwhelm. It is also important for me, as a parent to bring an honest and open conversation to things that matter.
The purpose of Coffee with Ray is to encourage conversations about the things in life that we all struggle with and to create a safe space for support, accountability, and understanding. If you ever find yourself in or around Sacramento please send me a tweet, or message me via Instagram. I would love to meet up for Fika.