Parenting Expert or not, I am a parent!
I’m used to being the expert at things. Ok so, maybe not the expert “per se” but I’m used to people asking me for advice. When I am teaching yoga, my students tell me their aches and pains and I can usually give them solid advice to help. When I am counseling, my clients ask for my advice and I must admit, it feels pretty good to answer their concerns. I would consider myself a pretty confident person.
Then I had my beautiful baby girl.
The first few months as a parent were magical to me. I enjoyed being a “new mom”. Sure, my husband and I fumbled through diaper changes and doctors appointments but hey, we were “new parents”! We rolled with the punches and embraced the “newness” of it all. We embraced the advice, laughed with our friends about our inexperience, and were thankful our baby wouldn’t remember how ridiculously uncoordinated we were during her first bath time. We believed an abundance of love would make up for our many mistakes, after all, parenting is really tough!
Then the 4th month sleep regression began. Although there are countless books written by parenting experts on “sleep training”, we didn’t sweat it because people told us it will pass in a few weeks. Then there we were, with our 7 month old, still wondering when this sleep regression will come to an end. I began to panic. What am I doing wrong? Why doesn’t this child sleep? Will she ever sleep?
By studying the never ending parenting literature online, I somehow decided I was going to become a sleep expert. I was going to become the expert and gain the confidence that I have in other aspects of my life and apply it to my parenting. Problem solved!
Do you know how many blogs and informational articles you can read through when your daughter wakes up every 45 minutes? Guys, I was the walking encyclopedia of infant sleep, but then I ran into another problem. All this information I was depending on to “fix” our daughter contradicted each other.
“The only way they will learn is if they cry it out.”
“Don’t let them cry it out, they will be traumatized and hate sleep more.”
“You are doing them a disservice by not letting them learn how to sleep on their own. “
“Let them get tired before bed.”
“… but not too tired, they won’t sleep.”
Soon enough, every night waking felt like a personal reminder of my failures as a parent, and we had a lot of night wakings. There were a few nights where our baby would finally go to sleep and I would wonder if the cry it out method was actually supposed to be applied to the parents, not the babies.
Being a therapist and an introvert, I often like to explore the “Whys” to my own thoughts. I was inspired by the work of Byron Katie and her work on living up to unattainable standards. Somehow, between the 3 am wakings, I had slowly developed this idea that if I can’t get my daughter to sleep, then I am a failure as a parent. It snuck in just as I began to feel confident in my abilities to keep this tiny person alive and well.
What changed from the first few weeks of parenting to now? (She couldn’t even hold her own head up then, why did this get harder?) I put so much weight on whether or not an infant slept through the night that I let it define me. I let it ruin me.
What is your unrealistic narrative you are trying to live up to as a parent? I’m sure we all do it and I am sure I will catch myself doing it again. I’ll give you a hint, it usually exists around your deepest frustrations.
Are you a bad parent if you can’t afford to send your kid to private school? Are you a bad parent if you can’t wean your baby by 12 months? Are you a bad mom if you can’t breastfeed? Are you a bad parent if your kid wants to quit soccer?
What is the statement that is holding you back from being confident about raising your family?
Byron Katie would have needed a room full of people telling me “You are not a bad mom because your baby doesn’t sleep!” Just then maybe I would have realized sooner how crazy and unrealistic that belief is.
If you are wondering… tying so much weight and emotion to whether or not an infant sleeps is pretty crazy. I’m just happy I made it through alive.
I wish I could tell you that as soon as I let go of this standard that our daughter magically slept through the night. She didn’t… and she still doesn’t, but those night wakings are now just baby behavior instead of a personal reminder of my failures. I try to embrace parenting now with the same mindset I did at the beginning: openness to advice, familiarity with laughter, quick forgiveness and abundance of love.
I don’t want to ever be the parenting expert. They don’t exist. Most importantly I don’t want to waste these beautiful years chasing unattainable expectations when I can be laughing through life with my family.
It’s much better to be a parent how loves your child than an parenting expert, trying to make everything perfect. – @Remys_Dad