I always dreamed of becoming a mom.

Whenever I was asked how many kids I wanted, I would answer unironically, “Anywhere between two to twelve.”

When I was 16,  I asked my parents to adopt a baby and promised to raise it as my own.

I worked for over a decade as baby sitter, nursery worker, and finally nanny. I LOVED babies and babies loved me. Taking care of them came naturally and I found joy in even the most mundane moments.

And then I had kids of my own.

Absolutely nothing could prepare me for being a mom, and the most devastating part was that I was terrible at it.

At first, it was easy. I knew how to dress and hold and change a newborn. I had read up on SIDS and the best sleeping arrangements. I knew tips on swaddling, tummy time, and bedsharing. I bonded with my son completely and instantly. He was a calm and generally easy-going baby. I felt so privileged (and confident) to be his mom.

I woke up the morning after our first night home after 3 nights in the hospital (and by “woke up” I mean “sat up” because you can’t wake up if you haven’t fallen asleep) at 6 am and burst into tears. My gracious husband took the baby downstairs to my even more gracious in-laws who were staying with us at the time. This was the first–but most certainly not the last–time sheer lack of sleep turned me into an indiscernible ball of tears.

Breastfeeding took two solid months before it stopped being excruciating. My son didn’t sleep longer than two hours until he was 5 months old, and only after a soul-crushing week of sleep training. I told myself, “he’s only young once, the dishes can wait,” so my house was an absolute mess.

By the time he was 7 months, only waking up once or twice a night, eating and napping on a consistent schedule, and we had found our “groove,” I felt so physically and mentally worn out that I was merely a shadow of the mom I always dreamed I’d be.

He didn’t sit still for storytime so we didn’t read together. I didn’t create Pinterest-inspired educational sensory play activities for him. We hardly went to the park or the library.

And he was my easy baby!

I say my second born was more difficult partly because I developed prenatal depression (also known as antenatal depression) almost as soon as I got pregnant. My son was 11 months old at the time and had started sleeping through the night at 10. I now had to take care of him while still residually sleep-deprived, pregnant, AND depressed.

Let’s just say, before getting pregnant I had already developed some pretty sketchy screen time habits. After becoming pregnant, my son was easily watching 6-8 hours of TV a day.

And the Mom of the Year Award Goes To…

I don’t know how other moms make it look so easy. As a nanny, I certainly thought it was easier than this. As a nanny schedules were consistent, meals were organic, countless books were read, and the TV was never on. As a nanny, I was a much better mother than I am now.

A friend of mine recently had a baby. When I went to visit her, she told me I was the one who made it look so easy.

That has to stop. We have to acknowledge to each other that parenting is HARD. That we don’t know what we’re doing. That we will second-guess every decision we make. That there are some aspects of parenting we absolutely hate.

The charade stops now. At least it stops with me. That’s why I’ll be starting a blog this summer, to share my experiences (aka failures) and let other parents know they are not alone.

Parenting is hard.

Leaving the house is hard.

Providing balanced meals is hard.

Keeping up with laundry and dishes is nearly impossible.

Remaining calm 24/7 is literally impossible.

But I love my kids with a fierceness I could never imagine.

I may fail, but I am doing my best.

I may not always believe it, but I am an AWESOME mom.

If this disillusioned imposter can do it, then so can you.

Jessica Mondy is the mother of 2 toddler dinosaur boys. If you wish to learn more about her journey with PPD, check out the chapter she wrote for Confessions of a Full Time Mom, available here www.amazon.com/Confessions-Full-Time-Mom-Overcoming. Her blog will be available once she gets herself organized enough to get it online (July).